Running from Fear

Have you ever been so scared of failing that it cripples you from even trying?

Have you ever doubted yourself so much that you won’t even allow yourself to want better?

Have you ever talked yourself out of trying new things because the fear of failing outweighed your belief in your own abilities?

I have been dealing with all these issues for years and have allowed myself to be ran by fear.

The fear of constantly being disappointed in yourself can take over your whole mind and handicap your body.

My journey of motherhood started when I was 20 years old. I was still figuring out life and I wasn’t exactly where I had pictured myself at that age. I was terrified and had no idea what to do, what to say, where to turn. So, I shut down and I can say that is where my fear started to grow.

Jayden was the best thing that ever happened to me and I would never want to change that. Becoming a mom changed me for the better. I saw a different side of myself that I didn’t know was there. I was forced to learn to put myself second and start to live for someone else. That creates a different level of fear that I wasn’t ready for. I adapted to motherhood quickly, and easily, but as I completely took on the role of Mommy, I started to lose Keyanna.

Cut to 9 years later, a husband, and two more kids and the fear that lived within me has only continued to grow. Now on top of my fear, I have bad anxiety and Keyanna as the individual is lost, scared, and has no understanding of what her purpose is. I have allowed myself for years to live in fear and mask it as being consumed with my kids and husband.

The truth is, I’m so afraid of failure because a part of me feels that I have failed about giving Keyanna a chance. For so long it has been so easy to put others ahead of myself, but when it came to do for myself, I felt selfish, unprepared, and scared. I’ve been my biggest sabotage. I’ve been my worst critic. I’ve created this world of fear that has been so suffocating, I’m not sure how I make it through my day to day.

I’ve been suffocating for so long that I have just decided to allow myself to breathe. And by allowing myself to do that, I am giving myself the chance to be something, to say something, to simply just be.

I’ve recently found Keyanna again and while there is nothing greater to me than being Mommy I’ve decided to give up on fear and give myself a chance. I can say that the moment I found myself was the moment I got tired of the person I allowed myself to turn into. I allowed myself to stay in the negative place. I allowed myself to not move forward. And when I realized that the place, I found myself in was a result of me, I had to sit with that realization and hold myself accountable.

So here I am, letting go of my fear and working on me. For me to be everything my kids need me to be I must be the best version of myself. My kids are my motivation, my pride, my happiness, and I need them more than they need me.

At the end of the day, I just want to shower them with love.

-Mommy